There are some things in life that are so deeply personal, so defining, that sometimes it never even occurs to you to share them with anyone. You might say it’s sacred ground. Holy space. Where you connect with Source/The Divine/Supreme Intelligence.
The reason for keeping them secret isn’t about shame or trying to conceal anything. It’s simpler than that.
It’s so much a part of you, that it never comes to mind that it would interest anyone else. Almost like the color of your eyes. You imagine that everyone can see it.
But we don’t.
Not the deep stuff.
We can’t.
Unless for some reason you DO share it with someone. And in those moments, when we receive that hidden jewel from deep within the heart of someone’s soul, we glimpse what Glory feels like. We glimpse Radiance.
It is so true and uncontrived that it feels almost like it’s too intimate to bear, when we truly SEE someone for who they are — the radiance they carry so naturally they often take for granted or don’t notice that it’s there, shaping their every direction and inclination.
We realize how privileged we are for the revelation we witness in others. And yet, how often do we consider sharing that deep truth with others ourselves?
Well. . . that is what I’m about to share with you today. A glimpse of what makes me tick. Why I do what I do. From the deepest and truest place inside me.
Here is something about myself that I have never shared with anyone before now. (Well, that is not entirely true. I shared it this week with my mastermind partner, because it came through some of the writing I did for my book, Healing The Wanting.) But for sure it’s the first time I’m sharing outside my close inner circle.
And why is that? Because this is a time of deeper connection. It’s a time when we can change the outcomes and make things better. It’s a time when radiance can find a home in every heart. And quite simply, my soul wants you to have the experience that I had, even if it comes second-hand through my telling of it.
Here goes.
The Story of Esmeralda
Out of the blue, a random but meaningful childhood memory surfaced into my awareness recently. The images came towards me as if floating through time and space, to land in front of me like a movie that is playing on a screen.
Her name was Esmeralda. At least that is what the circus announcer said. Now, who knows if that was her real name or just her “stage name”. My adult self wonders about that, even though I realize it’s not really important; just one of those trivial things that get layered onto pure memories to color them differently than when they actually happened.
So I allowed my judgmental mind to rest while I enjoyed the replay of the actual event, as I experienced it when I was a child.
Esmeralda was a high wire performer, an acrobat, a professional, a gymnastic artist. She could not have been older than I was, which at the time would have been 8 or 9 years old. She was a child and an acrobat, performing high wire magic in the circus I was attending with my family. And from the moment I set eyes on her, I was smitten.
Now, I want you to know that at that time in my life, our family was living in extreme poverty. I won’t go into the details now, but we didn’t have enough food to eat or clothes to wear; we certainly NEVER had money for any kind of entertainment, let alone something as expensive as a circus for us children.
I have no idea right now how it came to happen that I and my family were able to attend the circus. It most likely would have been a gift from someone, because I know we would never have been able to afford it ourselves — which of course made it all the more magical and special. It was as rare an event as if a meteor had landed in our back yard!
But back to Esmeralda. The moment I saw her I was fascinated. She was so exotic and athletic, yet feminine and classy. I wanted her in the way one does in a fantasy. I wanted her to be with me — my lover, my mate — the way one does when one is a child and steeped in the fantasies of fairy tales.
At the time, of course, there was no thought whatsoever of sexuality, just romance and longing — the romantic storybook version of lovers that leave out the messy hot parts that actually happen when you grow up. I was not yet even thinking about dating, never mind the more adult things that go with it — just thinking how my heart loved her and loved watching her perform.
It was an innocent crush, sweet and compelling. It never even occurred to me then that such longings were not appropriate for same sex people; that just wasn’t even in my mind then. Much later on in my life, I would visit this territory again, and make peace with it, make sense of it in ways that would not have been possible at the time. And that is a story for another telling. This is about Esmeralda — and the magical doors that opened for me because of her.
In my fantasy I imagined wondrous things that we would do together, beautiful places we would go, things we might do and see. In my fantasy she adored me as much as I was fascinated by her. For her I would be the perfect companion.
Now I can see how naturally I was attracted at an early age, without shame, to beauty and to the exotic, to fluidity of movement, mastery of form and performance, precision and perfection. It sparked my imagination and inspired me. I wanted more of that in my life. I wanted the magic, the unusual, the rare, the excellent.
In those longings were the seeds of a powerful creativity that I did not then understand, the seeds of which were to blossom fully later in my life. The yearnings were pure and powerful then. The shame about such natural attractions would come much later, when I would learn how brittle and spare the approval and support for such things was in our world (and sometimes still is.) And as I said, all of that is a story for another time.
I now see that what she represented to me, at the time I encountered her, was the Goddess as an emerging Being. She was mysterious, wild, controlled, fascinating, and wholly herself, within a structure that offered her expression of grace and fluidity. I wanted that. I called it to myself, in the only way I knew how at the time. I wanted not to BE her, I wanted to merge with her and her with me.
When I saw her, she inspired me. That moment was my first awareness that there is something bigger outside of me, to which I might aspire. No church, no books, no person until that point, held anything like the secret world I instantly entered with Esmeralda. Yes there was a secret world that came alive inside books and stories, that my imagination had to patch together in some kind of fantasy. But those were distant and unattainable fantasies, the ones in books and stories.
From the time I encountered Esmeralda, I found that imagination can take form in real life, and that thoughts have power to change what happens. For me, this realization was enormously freeing. I could start to plan a marvelous future outside the poverty of my family and neighborhood. Anything was possible.
I saw that I could create a world outside suffering and humiliation, outside the trap of poverty and emotional pain. Hope was born and rose in me like a trapped bird set aflame.
That was the summer that I single-handedly created a parade down the main street of our little town. There was no special occasion for it apart from a burning desire to create a pageant and some magic out of our boring, ordinary day-to-day existence.
What happened was, I persuaded some of my classmates and neighborhood kids to make “floats” out of little red wagons, and to use dogs as horses for them. There may only have been six or eight “floats” in the parade, but oh we had such a marvelous time making costumes and creating those platforms. As I recall, there was also “music” (some of us played some instruments, rather badly I’m sure) and there was certainly homemade ice cream. Not bad for an 8 or 9 year old kid to pull off!
With that event, I knew a glowing desire to create form out of what is at hand — the desire to make magical events out of the ordinary world. A desire to bring delightful fantasy ~ JOY, ~ into form in pleasurable ways. And to attract positive attention for something I did.
That desire and its nascent expression left a sweet and lingering fragrance in my soul that I never forgot. I imagined that Esmeralda was part of all that I created, that she was in the audience watching me with appreciation and approval as the little parade passed on our main street the hot summer day. She was with me because I imagined her there, as surely as I imagined and concocted a parade down the main street of our sleepy little town.
Over the days and weeks beyond, Esmeralda faded from my attention and became just a memory, as the realities of living came marching forward relentlessly, requiring me to attend to them as best I could.
However, the seeds that were planted that summer were sturdy. They were pure. They just would not sprout and bloom until many decades further, when out of another chaotic part of my life, I birthed my company, Bright Wings, Inc.
NOW WE GET TO WHY I DO WHAT I DO ~ and why that matters to you
The story of how Bright Wings came about is also perhaps for another time (and if you want me to, I will tell it.) But THIS story is about Esmeralda, and what my innocent childhood experience means for YOU.
Yes, this IS about my relationship with you, and with the products and services I make and offer to you and the world. In a funny way, Esmeralda is responsible for all that.
You see, the innocence and sweetness I felt in connecting with the Goddess energy as a child (which I since have come to understand is simply the Sacred Feminine) brought magic to an otherwise drab existence for me.
THIS energy is why I do what I do.
I — and ALL the products and services I offer — carry the sweet, childlike wonder and joy of innocence. I bring those qualities to you, because what I want for you — SO MUCH — is for your life to become radiant because of it — so that the wonder and joy of the Divine will be part of your experience, too — so that you may know peace and serenity and contentment, no matter what else is going on around you. So that you may know that magic is everywhere and that you can create some of your own.
My intention is for you to be grounded in the Sacred Feminine, as strong as a mountain and free as the wind, warm as the summer sun and fresh as the crisp crunch of newfallen snow in winter, graceful as a flower and but sturdy as an oak.
Hundreds of satisfied customers tell me that these qualities come alive in my products and in my work with them, 1-1 and in groups. I know it’s true because I feel it myself, and I see it in the results they get.
Now think about this. Can YOU bring to mind a time in your childhood, when you were just joyful and happy to do something? To do it because it gave you (and sometimes others) joy? Well that is what I mix into how we serve you. It’s the Secret Sauce!
So. Because of the chaotic and dramatic changes in the world this year, in addition to the many products and services that I already offer, I am going to be developing even more specialized products and services so that you can experience more of the childlike sweetness, innocence and joy that comes from The Divine.
See, I believe that we are not here to suffer. We are here to learn and grow, to evolve, and in the process to remember who we are: joyful beings of great Love and Light, creative souls on a mission for making of this world something magical and fun.
Yes, we DO get pulled off track. Sometimes far and sometimes frequently. But that never takes the magic away. It just sometimes takes a helping hand to find it again. That’s why I’m here.
Reach out and grab hold if you want to bring back the sense of wonder you had when you were just small — before the world changed you into someone who could forget who you really are.
I’m here for you. And so is the sweetness, innocence and wonder you thought you left behind long ago. Come reclaim yours, will you please?
Thank you for being here and for allowing me the privilege to serve you.